Harry Guakomoli was busy robbing his own grave. While our hero did that
his former sidekick, Oslo The World's Smartest Cat, was rescued from a
murderous band of gangbangers only to be abducted by his savior. Now
Oslo stood in shock as this pimpled dork of a girl just dropped a
bombshell on the four-legged fury.
"Not that I have your attention," began Veronika Krieger. "Perhaps
we can start our rational conversation, Bailey. Or is it Oslo?"
"'Oslo' is preferred," replied The World's Smartest Cat.
"Very good, Oslo. Would you care for a wine cooler? It's A Very Berry Explosion. Maybe another dose of catnip?"
"No,
I'm good," answered Oslo. He very much did want a drink, even if it was
of a kind reserved for girls and limpwrists, but he thought just this
once he should stay sober.
"As you wish," said Veronika. "May I tell you a story? It is long, but it is biographical and pertinent to our discussion."
"I'm listenin.'"
"I
was the younger of two children," she said after taking another drink.
"My father was a brilliant scientist. Robotics was his area of
expertise, but he dabbled in many disciplines. He was quite wealthy due
to a family fortune. A fortune that was considerable, but it was not
until the late 1930's that their wealth skyrocketed. My mother was much
younger than my father; twenty-three years younger to be precise. She
was beautiful and a model when they first met. After they were married,
however, she decided 'trophy bride' and 'lazy housewife' were careers
better suited for her skill set. My brother Max was ten years my senior.
He looked liked my father, but mentally it was obvious he was his
mother's son. Max was lazy and was prone to excess and vice. He was also
considerably stupid. I was, am, the opposite; I share my mother's
features but possess a genius intellect."
Adolescence must have been a bitch if her mother was a model, thought Oslo.
Sexy and skinny this girl ain't."We
lived in The City," Veronika continued. "In an ancestral home of my
father's family. His father, Wilhelm Maximillian Krieger, had the stone
mansion dismantled in Munich and then reassembled here stone-by-stone.
Father spent much of his time working on his inventions while my mother
spent the majority of hers shopping or drinking booze or fucking the
help. When I was not in class at the prestigious Rickland Academy I was
at home with my babysitter the television."
"I loved cartoons and watched them at every opportunity. My favorite was
Lucky The Unlucky.
It was the story of an anthropomorphic cat and his misadventures, of
which there were many. Five months after my ninth birthday Father
decided to impart to me some wisdom. He did that every so often. It was
his way to fool himself into thinking he was not a negligent parent.
This particular lesson concerned the importance of goals. Long term ones
that require hours, months, years of preparation."
"'Now that our lesson is concluded,' Father told me as I sat on his
lap. 'What would you like for your birthday? Seven months is not so far
away that you cannot think about these things.'"
"Without hesitation I told Father I wanted a real-life Lucky The
Unlucky. Even today I remember the puzzled look on his face. I told him
all about Lucky and his exploits. He was disgusted to learn that I spent
so much time rotting my brain in front of the television. He forbade me
from watching cartoons. I cried all night and into the next day. Father
called me hysterical and ordered me to to assist him every day after
school in his laboratory. It was those times helping Father that I
developed a love for science and robotics and how things worked. You
witnessed the labor of my love in the other room with my cleaning
'droids."
"Your robots are lame," Oslo remarked. "Just like your story."
"Indulge
me a bit longer," replied a visibly annoyed Veronika Krieger. "Four
months before my tenth birthday Father left. He said he was giving to
the frozen hinterlands of Scandinavia. He returned three months later.
and refused to divulge what he was doing in Europe. No matter how much I
begged him to tell me he would not budge. Every day for the next
fortnight Father had a man spend time with the two of us. Every day it
was a different man. There was no common trait in these men. Every size
and shape and color was represented. Different ethnicities and social
standings. After those two weeks Father asked which of the fourteen men I found most interesting and amusing and wanted to be around. If I was a
few years older I would have found the question highly creepy. Instead I
instantly chose the last man. He cussed a lot and kept calling Father
'Boss.' He called himself Bailey; I assume it was his surname, and I am
fairly certain he was intoxicated. Father asked if I was positive about
my choice, and I told him I was sure. He did not look impressed but said
nothing else regarding the matter."
The woman shifted in her easy chair as she took a long pull off the
wine cooler. The World's Smartest Cat observed that the Latina watching
him appeared as equally as bored as he.
"A week before I turned
another year older," said Veronika, determined to finish her tale.
"Father announced we were taking a family vacation to Norway for my
birthday. My mind immediately began to speculate. Is that why Father
took his trip? Something to do with my birthday? Mother and Max did not
like this idea; Norway in December sounded horrible to the both of them.
Father dismissed their complaints, and the four of us departed for
Scandinavia three days later."
"Upon setting foot in Norway, Father led us hundreds of miles away
from civilization to an estate with a large six-bedroom house. The
compound also had a garage big enough to house a half dozen automobiles
and a gigantic warehouse. Our host was a Jewish geneticist named Raphael
Goldstein. He was so handsome with his bald head, chiseled jaw, and
skin the color of milk chocolate. He was so warm and welcoming. Father
and Dr. Goldstein spent the entire next day in the warehouse. In the
evening Father said he had something for me and presented me with the
most adorable little brown kitten. It was
soooo cute! Father
asked me to name the little guy. I thought long and hard about that. I
wanted something that commemorated our trip. I thought about 'Winter'
and 'Darkness' and 'Loki' and a slew of other names before finally
settling on 'Oslo.'"
The World's Smartest Cat, who was on the verge of falling asleep, suddenly perked up his ears in renewed curiosity.
"I
thought that would grab your attention," the nerdette commented with a
smirk. "The night before my birthday, I left the bedroom to use the
toilet. I heard bizarre grunts coming from Dr. Goldstein's chambers.
Curious, I opened the door. Light from the hallway spilled into the
room, and I saw our host having relations with someone. The light must
have spooked the doctor because he jumped up out of the bed, allowing me
to see who was lying below him: Mother."
"'Honey,' she told me. 'Raphael and I were just keeping warm.'"
"Then I felt a presence behind me. I turned around to see Father. He was tearing up."
"'Klaus,'
my whore mother started to say, but Father left without saying a word. I
can only imagine what was running through his head. Slaving away in the
warehouse all night to discover his wife fucking someone else. I ran
into my room and held Oslo, you...sort of, and cried for quite a
while."
"I woke up the next day with my cat nowhere to be found. I walked
out of the room to see Father and Max in the hallway with their luggage.
Father told me he was taking my brother and leaving Mother. I begged
and begged and begged some more for Father to take me with him. I had
nothing in common with the woman who birthed me. I never cared for her and after the night before I detested her. Tears trickled down Father's
cheeks as he ran a hand through my hair. 'I can't, Veronika. You remind
me too much of your mother.' And he walked away with my brother without
saying another word. The was the last time I ever saw them."
"I searched for Oslo and could not find him. I looked all over the
house and never came across him. Nor did I run into Mother or Dr.
Goldstein. I bundled up and traveled to the warehouse where I found
Mother and the doctor. I was about to yell at her for what she did when
she turned around to see me there.
"'Darling,' she said. 'I was just about to fetch you. You...by now
you know your father and brother are gone. I am sorry this happened on
your birthday. Your father can be so insensitive. But he made Dr.
Goldstein promise to finish your birthday present, and he has. Come.'"
"Begrudgingly I joined them. Laying in a hospital bed was a man
lying comatose. Sheets covered him up to his lower jaw and the top of
his head was heavily bandaged. Beside the bed on a blanket was Oslo,
also unconscious with a bandaged head and throat. His front paws and
throat were also bandaged."
"'What did you do to my kitty?!' yelled."
"'Your Father and
Raphael granted you your birthday wish,' Mother relied. 'They've made a
real-life version of that cat you like, Plucky The Truck or whatever its
name is.'"
"Dr. Goldstein hushed us and said the cat was coming to. Oslo opened
his eyes and looked around. He seemed confused. And there was something
in his eyes. They appeared to be more...aware. The kitty opened and
closed his mouth several times."
"'What the fuck is this shit?' a voice, a human voice!, emanated from Oslo's mouth! 'Who the fuck are you people?!'"
"Dr.
Goldstein went on to explain that for months Father and him came up
with a machine that could transfer the consciousness of mammals with
higher intelligence into the bodies of lesser animals. The minds of
humans and other primates, and he also believed dolphins, pigs, and
elephants, could be installed into other animals. Less intelligent
mammals worked best, but he was not sure if it would work on other
vertebrates because their anatomies and bodily functions might be too
alien to adapt. On my birthday Dr. Goldstein, using the machine he
invented with my father, transferred the mind of Bailey, the man I
picked out just a few weeks ago!, into my new pet, Oslo. He also
transplanted the vocal cords and performed surgery on Oslo so that his
front paws possessed opposable thumbs. The doctor also told me he added a
memory inhibitor so that Bailey, now Oslo, would never have any
recollection of his life as a human. It was all surreal, but it worked.
The process worked."
"Wow! That's how I came to be?" Oslo asked. "I was once a dude but
your fuckwit father and some other asshole decided to play God to give
Daddy's little girl a birthday present. I'm all fuckin' done listen -- "
"My story's not done yet!" Veronika screamed as she stood up out of the chair. "You are
not done listening. I will
not be the only one enjoying our reunion."
To
guarantee Oslo's compliance Veronika tapped the red button on the
device in her hand once more. The three nozzles stretched out of the
cat's collar and gassed him with more catnip. Veronika smoothed her
dress before sitting back down in the chair.
"Mother decided that her and I, and you of course, would stay with
Dr. Goldstein," she calmly resumed her tale. "Father returned to the
manse in The City, rendering us homeless. I did not like this idea.
Watching Mother with a man who was not my father. I kept remembering the
tears she caused him. Only by spending time with Oslo, who was great
fun, was my existence bearable. Our stay with the doctor lasted about a
year when he was arrested by Interpol. Dr. Goldstein was wanted for a
number of crimes against humanity. His experiments, you were not the
first, were conducted by a man whose ethics could be described as
questionable at best and felonious at worst."
"Once again Mother and I were homeless. We returned to The City and
moved into a small apartment that allowed cats. My mother was forced to
find employment for the first time in over twenty years. She got a job
as a waitress in a diner. I received considerable joy in watching her
lower herself to do that. Public school was not any easier for me
either. And every day, as I exited the Adlai Stevenson Elementary
School, I looked to the west and saw my father's ancestral home. Knowing
that Father and Max were up there, and I was down here...with her, it
would make me cry."
"You cried a lot back then didn't ya?" Oslo asked in defiance while
his mind still in a cloud of catnip and marijuana-induced euphoria.
"You
really are a spiteful creature," Veronika remarked. "For my twelfth
birthday Mother insisted that she throw me a party. She invited a dozen
boys and girls from my school, none of which were my friends."
"Because you had no friends?" asked The World's Smartest Cat.
"Because
I had no friends," I answered. "There was one boy there that I had a
crush on though. Of course he didn't know I existed. He certainly
remembered me after the party, because he started tormenting you so you
clawed his eyes out. Do you remember Billy Oliver?"
"Wait," said Oslo in disbelief. "You're Roni, the cute little blonde girl?"
"Are you seriously just figuring out that I'm Veronika 'Roni' Krieger?"
"I figured Roni would have grown up to be hotter," the cat answered with a shrug.
"You are a clueless ass, Oslo. May I also assume that you have yet
to figure out that my father was Dr. Klaus Maschinemensch? A man you
killed six months by driving a limousine into him."
Oh, shit, Oslo thought.
You've
got to be fuckin' kiddin' me. This nerd bitch wants me dead, and I
can't do shit 'cause she's got me all doped up on weed and 'nip. And la cucaracha
is watching me and has every reason to help her. Fuck, fuck, fuck!
"I see fear and desperation in your eyes suddenly, Oslo,"
observed Veronika with a giggle. "Sadly, you have no reason to feel
these things. Father walked the edge of genius and insanity after
finding Mother with Dr. Goldstein. He began to embrace his family's
Teutonic heritage and appropriated racist and anti-semitic idealogies. A
mind set that enabled his family, my family, to become disgustingly
rich once Adolf Hitler came to power in 1933. He completely fell off the
deep end a few years ago when Max, who was very much his mother's son,
died a few years ago in Tijuana. My father needed to die...for the sake
of the world."
Veronika Krieger stepped out of the chair and approached Oslo, who eyed her nervously.
"I
have not had you transported here so that I can exact revenge. If
anything the monster unknowingly killed his own Dr. Frankenstein. No,
where this discussion goes depends entirely on your answer to my next
question..."
"Are you opposed to any further...modifications?"
